foxysushi ([info]foxysushi) wrote in [info]booju_mooju,
2010-03-03 14:28:00
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Traveling Parent

We are re-locating our (military) family from California to Georgia. For the move, I've made arrangements to leave our 15 month old with my mother-in-law in WV. I'll be flying out to CA for a week to pack everything up and the husband and I will be driving cross-country, picking up our son, and continuing on to GA.
My side of the family insists that I am being selfish and not thinking of my child, and that I should stay in WV while my husband makes the cross-country drive alone.
I've already made the decision to go, I'm just curious on what other people have to say on the matter. Is it right for me to travel, or wrong of me to leave my child- even for 2 weeks?

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  • 35 comments

[info]breakableheart

March 3 2010, 19:33:43 UTC 2 years ago

Only you can answer this question. There are so many variables from how well the kid knows your MIL to whether or not you are still breastfeeding to how well your kid copes with separation - my goodness!

I think it's wrong for your family to buttinski unless they want to help you move across the country.

Is there some reason this community has turned into a personal advice community? Seems like it's been more lively lately, but in a really non-debate way. Curious.

[info]foxysushi

March 3 2010, 19:42:03 UTC 2 years ago

i guess i should clarify

the question I was trying to ask is this: Given appropriate childcare, is it right for parents to travel apart from their children while the child is so young? Or should a parent remain at home until the child is older?
Like I said I'm not looking for advice- this has just become a huge subject for debate in our house and I was curious what the members of this community had to say about it. I've already decided to travel.

[info]breakableheart

2 years ago

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[info]si_anenome

2 years ago

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[info]elliesam

2 years ago

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[info]29_alison_29

March 3 2010, 19:41:55 UTC 2 years ago

I agree with the PP, this is a question only you can answer for yourself. Personally, I couldn't do it! At 15 months especially, my son is 3.5 and the thought of a few days is heart-wrenching to me. Let alone 2 whole weeks! But you may be in a different situation than me. I am a working mom, I am away for 10 hrs a day, 4 days a week and I have that mommy-guilt about it. So I want to spend every moment I can with him! You might stay at home and be more in need of a break. I don't know....

[info]sueg

March 3 2010, 19:44:02 UTC 2 years ago

Since you asked

I can't really say what is right or wrong for you, and I'm not sure what can be construed as "selfish" about packing all your belongings and driving across the country, like that's a wild good time or something? I would never have done it at that age, though - I would have reasoned that my son needed my company more than my husband during that week of driving. I would have paid airfare for my MIL to come help with my son during the packing instead.

[info]ol_whatshername

March 3 2010, 19:48:43 UTC 2 years ago

I would not have been able to do it. But my friend went on vacation when her son was one and never thought anything of it. Moving sucks one way or the other.

[info]orbg

March 3 2010, 19:57:24 UTC 2 years ago

I wouldn't leave my kid because I don't trust my MIL, and mine is still breastfeeding, and has never stayed with other family.
It's not something anyone else can answer for you.

[info]pinkgirly82

March 3 2010, 19:58:07 UTC 2 years ago

I personally couldn't and wouldn't do it. My oldest is 3 and she doesn't even like going away from us for one night. She's spent the night away from us 3 times, two of which were when we were in the hospital having my youngest.

Do you think your 15 month old would be okay being without BOTH parents for 2 weeks? If yes, and you're okay with it, then there's your answer.

[info]katsiss

March 3 2010, 20:07:47 UTC 2 years ago

If you can do it, emotionally/mentally and you truly trust your mil then go for it. I don't think you are being selfish and it would probably give your and your husband some much needed time together. Its not like you guys are running off to Cancun, you are doing something for the family. If your child's grandparents are anything like mine were, your kid will be begging to stay!

[info]xenophyle

March 3 2010, 20:22:28 UTC 2 years ago

That age? Too young. Sry. Selfish is a terribly strong word though, and it doesn't seem to fit. It's not like you're taking a luxury vacation or something.

[info]c3pomeara

March 3 2010, 20:32:56 UTC 2 years ago

Two young to spend time with a grandparent?

[info]xenophyle

2 years ago

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[info]c3pomeara

2 years ago

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[info]xenophyle

2 years ago

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[info]uberliz

March 3 2010, 20:41:48 UTC 2 years ago

You had to do what you have to do.

He's going to be with someone who loves him and will keep him safe.


Dont let people question yourself as a parent when you know you're doing what needs to be done.

[info]uberliz

March 3 2010, 20:42:22 UTC 2 years ago

*dont let people make you question yourself*

[info]ba1126

March 3 2010, 21:14:14 UTC 2 years ago

If the child knows your MIL really well and she is fully capable, I think it could work. Does he have any "seperation anxiety" or is he pretty okay with sitters, etc.?

[info]kat

March 3 2010, 21:21:56 UTC 2 years ago

I was about to do something like this...son was 2 1/2, I was pregnant, grandma asked about a week visit with family members. I was leaning towars yes, as I wasn't breastfeeding, didn't co-sleep, and my son was very independent.

My family all nixed the idea with "Of course you wouldn't let him go!" So I didn't.

But I would have.

[info]dreemerr

March 3 2010, 21:31:25 UTC 2 years ago

We were a military family as well, but never had to move cross-country. He always moved with us. Probably would have even if it were a cross-country move. But as young as s/he is, I can see why it would be easier to leave him/her with family for a couple weeks. Besides, they probably don't get to see the relatives that often, so babes would probably think of it as a special treat. The only person whos opinion matters on this subject tho, is yours and your husbands. Good luck on the move!

[info]jewe1z

March 3 2010, 21:51:32 UTC 2 years ago

My oldest was just under 3 when I moved (14 hour drive). I did the same thing as you and would have done it any time after she weaned. My partner and I didn't feel comfortable moving a truck full of furniture alone and getting a new house set up with an active toddler running around. Having my mom come along for the move would have been more ideal, but that wasn't an option. Like you, I also took quite a bit of heat over the situation.

After that trip went over so well, I had no problem leaving her with my family for other visits. She always looked forward to the trips, everything always went over just fine, and we successfully managed to keep the family bond despite the distance. But I can't count how many times I heard "Well I couldn't leave my child even for a weekend until she was at least (insert number here)." As a funny observation, that number got larger as my child got older.

Then my second came along and turned my world upside down. She was an incredibly spirited little critter and a difficult baby with terrible separation anxiety who didn't even sleep through the night until she was 3. And being born in our new state, she hadn't grown up with the family bond of my oldest. Had the youngest one been my first, I couldn't have left her for anything less than a medical emergency and I might have made a similar comment when I heard about someone leaving their 15 month old for a week. It's hard to place ourselves in other people's shoes. Our own experiences sometimes create naive opinions. That, and poking each other with invisible sticks is fun and gives a great sense of superiority. Don't let your family get to you.

Only you know the real details and can decide what's best for yourself, your son, and your partner. As a military family, I imagine you're no stranger to selflessness and sacrifice. Being called selfish over this situation is ridiculous in my opinion. I hope your move goes smoothly. Enjoy the stressful moving adventure and brief alone time with your partner!

[info]foxysushi

March 7 2010, 16:39:26 UTC 2 years ago

thanks for the kind words. Hearing from someone who had a similar experience does make me feel less jaded about the whole thing.

[info]jenni_goes_grrr

March 3 2010, 23:18:12 UTC 2 years ago

DUDE! Bring the kid with. We made the trip (From Jax Fl to San Diego) And it was an awesome road trip! We are about to do it again (from San Diego to New Orleans) and I'm already picking out all the exciting places we can stop on the way.

[info]alacrity_danger

March 3 2010, 23:58:19 UTC 2 years ago

I would not leave my 16 month old with anyone for more than an hour but that is just me.

[info]medea34

March 4 2010, 01:01:46 UTC 2 years ago

your side of the family is being silly. moves are stressful. driving across the country with all of your possessions is stressful. i can't fathom that staying with his grandma for a coupld of weeks would be more stressful than that.

there is bias here, i despise moving with a firey passion. without a toddler involved, i have had moves turn into exhausting ordeals, with tears, wailing, damaged rental vans, lost possessions, injuries, missing pets, sawing furniture and the like. i would sooner leave my child with wolves than compel him to accompany ME on a move.

[info]elliesam

March 4 2010, 16:07:56 UTC 2 years ago Edited:  March 4 2010, 16:08:16 UTC

Your family is nuts and should mind their own business. That kind of a trip would be awfully hard on a 15-month old, and how much actual work would you be able to do while trying to care for him as well? If you trust your MIL and he is comfortable with her, then you all will be fine.

[info]sandramort

March 4 2010, 20:00:57 UTC 2 years ago

As several other people said, it depends a lot on the nature of your relationship with the child and your mother in law, so we can't possibly know. But I wanted to chime in with saying that a trip cross country would probably be hellish for a fifteen month old and that doing such a long trip alone might not be so safe. I don't think it's how I would personally handle it, but at 15 months old, my kids are still bfeeding, so it's a totally different scenario. Not selfish -- just a hard choice all the way around.

[info]coinin

March 5 2010, 19:09:41 UTC 2 years ago

My grandmother would take me for weeks at a time throughout the year from infancy until I was in school, and that's never bothered me. I'd get homesick sometimes, but it was always addressed, and I never felt abandoned (I was spoiled rotten at my grandmother's, so that helped :D).

So, no, I don't think you're being selfish. It's not like you're leaving your baby with strangers, you're leaving him with family, and it's not like you're just going on vacation or something, you're making sure your husband doesn't die a horrible death on the road.

[info]bennygogo

March 5 2010, 22:52:51 UTC 2 years ago

I don't know the situation military wise-but somehow I am confused. You're flying to California from WV? Is your husband just getting done with something and now on to Georgia? Like Basic? AIT? I'm lost. Just confused, don't mind me.

Well anyhow, if he can I would just have JPPSO pick up your things. Granted I am biased about DITY moves, PITA if you ask me. However, if you want to go-tell your family to stuff their noses in some other unfortunate family members business. I wouldn't leave my child at that age, quite frankly I still don't like leaving them places-but what I think, doesn't matter for your situation!

[info]qalanjo

March 6 2010, 04:21:24 UTC 2 years ago

My friend from Saudi Arabia left her 5 month-old baby there with her SIL for over 3 months this summer when she came to the US to get plastic surgery (her husband and 3 older kids came with her). I never understood how she was able to do it and she cried about it everyday. But I guess if you feel you have to, you have to.

[info]krysalid

March 7 2010, 05:26:48 UTC 2 years ago

I have left my children with my mother for a week at a time on several occasions. They love it and look forward to it. In fact, it was actually easier on both of them when they were under 2. The separation anxiety really started a little older for mine, and my 5 year old counts down days until she gets to go with Grandma, whether or not I am going away. The honest answer is, it depends on your child. And your trust in your MIL. I did (and still do) miss them terribly and cry often when away from them, while they look at it as a treat, to be entertained by someone different for a while.
It is just my opinion, but I think to not be away from your child for more than an hour, is...not healthy for the mother either.
(Of course, I have never left my children with anyone but their grandparents either, and people think that I am over-protective for that and I should just get a sitter...so, to each his own...)

[info]jennzzz

March 7 2010, 15:35:16 UTC 2 years ago

I'm a great believer in that people make their own choices for their own lives and own family situations.
If you and your husband have made this decision, both of you are happy with it, your mother-in-law is happy to have your son for that time - then does it really matter what others think? Tell them to bugger off and mind their own business.

[info]foxysushi

March 7 2010, 16:48:11 UTC 2 years ago

Wow- great input, everyone! It's been interesting hearing pov's across the board on this one. Hearing both sides sort of puts it into perspective for me- I feel less bitter about the whole thing, and while it's going to kill me to leave him here I do think it's best for everyone involved.
Also as an update- since I didn't budge on my decision my mom's come around and actually is offering to help MIL by taking turns watching him, so he'll get a visit with BOTH grandmas! The move is gonna suck but now i'm a lot more able to look forward to making the trip!
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